AGS Week 3: Brandon Weeden

Kinnaman
Bee-randon Weedon. Primarily a short stop in high school, he showed good arm strength to go with a lean, athletic frame. He had the makings of a good delivery and scouts believed he had promise with his four-seam fastball, so he was drafted in the second round by the New York Yankees (think, the Ohio State University). However, he never got higher than high-A ball. Mostly because of his high ERA.

It was hard getting between him and his new life coach, Jerry Jones, but during a break taking snaps with the first team offense, he was able to pose for this picture and confirm that Rum Raisin is his current favorite.

Baron 

Whatever works.

Kinnaman
Did you read the tweetistic that this is the first time since seventh grade that Brandon Weedon has had an offensive coordinator 2 years in a row?

Baron 
That makes sense.

Kinnaman
Who needs consistency?

Baron 
I like how people are talking themselves into Brandon Weeden again. I wonder why his favorite flavor is "Rum Raisin”?

Kinnaman
Rum Raisin is only his favorite flavor this year, or rather, this is the first time since 7th grade that he's had a favorite flavor two years in a row.

The coordinator thing, I bet that carried over to his baseball career as well. Cause the pitcher is its own offensive category until the ball is in play. And the catcher coordinates their pitches. And with the high turnover in minor league baseball, he probably never had the same catcher two years in a row! The alcoholic ice cream suggests abandonment issues.

Baron 
I’m sure that’s it. I get it now, he hasn't had an offensive coordinator commit to him, so he can't commit to an ice cream flavor. I bet after Scott Linehan came back after last year he sat in bed and said, "Thank you Rum Raisin.”

Kinnaman
Rum Raisin ice cream with rum poured over it. Like a root beer float. Would you eat it? 

Baron 
I'm not a huge root beer float kind of guy, but I think I would become a
Rum Raisin Float guy.

Kinnaman
Light rum or dark? Spiced?

Baron 
Dark rum, you have to make it look like a root beer float, that's the whole point. Spiced? Good question, I think you leave that to the individual. 

Kinnaman
Sailor Jerry's rum paired with Rum Craisin ice cream. 

Jesus! Brandon Weedon is something like 32 or 33 years old. No wonder it is Rum Raisin. It's probably the most requested flavor at his retirement home.

If it weren't for the browns, would Weedon be in the league? Honestly. Isn't there some arena league or CFL QB who deserves this opportunity more than Weedon?

Baron
Weeden was hot shit coming out of college, just like the 58-year-old Chris Weinke when he came out, but with more hair. Quick, name me the last CFL quarterback to make it in the NFL

Kinnaman
Probably Kurt Warner or Elvis Grbac. Speaking of Weinke, I'd like to compile a list of Heisman winners and their pitiful NFL careers. Title the article, "WHY DOES ANYONE WANT TO WIN THIS?!"

Baron
Haha, I could write that in about ten minutes.

Kinnaman
Do they get a lifetime membership to the Downtown Athletic Club or something? 

Baron 
They also get to star in those "Heisman House" commercials and make fun of Joe Theisman for changing the pronunciation of his name before his senior season to make him a more eligible Heisman candidate.

Combine that with a club membership, and I'd be down with a horribly disappointing, but profitable NFL career.

Kinnaman
“‘This trophy means nothing, seriously’ -A countdown of depressing collegiate trophies.” I should be consulting for Grantland.

Baron 
They'd change the title to "Heisman Hell: Trophies, busts and the battle for the soul of college football.”

Baron
Check out this list of the last ten major award winners and marvel at the percentage of them who actually suck.

Naismith Player of the Year (60% suck): Frank Kaminsky, Doug McDermott, Trey Burke, Anthony Davis, Jimmer Fredette, Evan Turner, Blake Griffin, Tyler Hansbrough, Kevin Durant, J.J. Redick.

Golden Spikes Award (10-20% suck [holy shit, I should draft Benintendi in my keeper league]): Andrew Benintendi, A.J. Reed, Kris Bryant, Mike Zunino, Trevor Bauer, Bryce Harper, Stephen Strasburg, Buster Posey, David Price, Tim Lincecum.

Heisman Trophy (70-80% suck): Marcus Mariota, Jameis Winston, Johnny Manziel, Robert Griffin III, Cam Newton, Mark Ingram, Jr., Sam Bradford, Tim Tebow, Troy Smith, Matt Leinart. 
 

Baron
The kiss of death for any athlete

It's like being drafted to play quarterback for the Browns

Kinnaman
It probably wouldn't work out well for the rest of the population, but if the next Brown QB draftee tweeted out, "Fuck me running," that guy would have my vote of confidence. There's no other move, calling out the elephant in the room is the only chance of success. 

Baron 
Tim Couch, Kelly Holcombe, Derek Anderson, Jeff Garcia, Jason Campbell, Brandon Weeden, the list goes on. I wonder what Weeden's ice cream flavor was in Cleveland? Did he even want to eat ice cream, or was he so depressed where he couldn't eat the stuff?

Kinnaman
The only thing I'll ever remember from his time in Cleveland is when he was almost suffocated by theAmerican flag. 

Baron 
His first start ever!

Kinnaman
I'm convinced nothing else notable happened while he played for the Browns.

I'm doing the arithmetic and it's coming out sherbet in Cleveland. There's the new salary plus new women in his life thinking they’re sophisticated multiplied by trying to be classy in an effort to overcome the stench of Cleveland. 

Baron 
I'd also like to point out, after being assaulted by the American flag, he went on to throw three picks and post a 5.1 passer rating.

Kinnaman
"Tell me where the flag touched you, Brandon"

Baron
It’s tough to come back from something like that

Kinnaman
What do you think Weedon's week has been like? 

Baron 
Well, I think he's been listening to Obama's "Yes We Can" speech on repeat, maybe sprinkling in a few listens to those high school kids screaming, "Who am I? I am a champion!" while psyching himself up. I also see him overlaughing at all of Jerry's jokes. I think he also is looking at Rum Raisin ice cream as his talisman, he carries a jar of it everywhere, even if it’s melted.

Kinnaman
There's no alcohol content in Rum Raisin ice cream. What the hell, Weedon?! What's the point? I don't want to sound like a (hold on) alcoholic, but what is the god damn point of rum flavored ice cream without alcohol?

Baron 
Oh come on, the answer is easy, obviously you get kids hooked on rum flavored ice cream, and then when they grow up, they already enjoy the taste of rum they become the USA's next generation of overweight alcoholics.

Kinnaman
Brandon Weedon thinks he’s so cool. He doesn't even have a twitter account. Stop trying make "aloof" happen, Weedon! It's not going to happen!

Baron
You’re misspelling his name, that's why you can't find him. He has tweeted twice in the last year.

Kinnaman
Ha! I've been misspelling his name this entire time! And I don't fucking care. What an idiot. What a dolt.

Joss Whedon, MVP.

Baron
It would be funny if Brandon Weeden had the same small, but ultradedicated hipster following that Joss Whedon has, saying things like, "You have to watch Weeden's 2012 game against Cincinnati, it will change your life. Here, let me sing you a song I made about it! Listen! Listen to me! I'm special!"

Kinnaman
Be a devil's advocate for once, why is Weeden going to succeed this sunday? Assuming, of course, that his success is all thanks to a pint of Rum Raisin being eaten 5 minutes before kickoff. 

Baron
Well, he is playing at home, nothing is expected of him, he has a great offensive line and is playing against a mediocre team. 

Kinnaman
Predicting a win?

Baron 
Absolutely, a home underdog, easy.

Kinnaman
And then against the Saints too?

Baron 
We'll see.

Kinnaman
And the patriots?

Baron
God no

Kinnaman
No... God wouldn't allow that at all. 

God's been drinking green tea all damn day. Gonna bring the demons out to the gridiron! (Side note: I don't ever want to interview Tom Brady.)

Baron
That would be great, though.

Kinnaman
I do want to interview Josh Gordon. That'd be a dope interview. I can tell weed be buds. It'd be a joint decision which Ice Cream Shoppe we'd visit.

Baron
I can’t think of a higher moment in your life for you.

Kinnaman
Haha, since Josh Gordon is suspended from the football. He's literally being told to "keep off the grass"! Man, I hope he knows I’m not hating on him. He’s my hero. Legalize it!

I’m done for this week. I kind of hope Weeden does well, at least well enough for the average joe’s of the world like me to stop confusing him with Joss Whedon.

Next week we might acknowledge that player’s besides quarterbacks like ice cream, but not likely.

 

JD KinnamanNFL, Kinnaman, NTDComment