AGS Week 2: Peyton Manning

Kinnaman
What do Denver Broncos QB Peyton Manning and Oakland Raiders OL J'Marcus Webb have in common? Who cares, but I'll tell you what they don't have in common, being a featured interviewee in an Any Given Sundae column! That's because I cancelled my meeting with J'Marcus when my friend's sister-in-law's mother's boyfriend's daughter's soccer coach ran into Peyton Manning at a Papa John's in Kansas City. The coach, Luis, a Venezuelan transplant said to be doing wonders for the local youth soccer scene, was able to take this video of Manning, where he confirmed to Luis that Rocky Road ice cream is his favorite flavor. 

Are you surprised he was at an enemy city Papa John’s, Baron? Seems like a conflict of interest in his Broncos contract. 

Baron
Like Batman, Peyton Manning's Papa John's franchise ownership has no jurisdiction.  I don't think it is a conflict of interest with the Broncos, rather a terrible decision to eat rubbery pizza when you could be indulging in the fantastic Kansas City barbecue scene.

That said, obviously Rocky Road is Peyton Manning's favorite ice cream because he went to the University of Tennessee.  What song do they sing before every Tennessee volunteer home game? Rocky Top! Although it is not technically the Vols fight song. In the realm of songs played at college football games, it’s just behind Michigan's "Hail To the Victors" and roughly 114 spots ahead of the fight song of the Central Michigan Chippewas.

Kinnaman
Peyton Manning went to college?! What a waste of youth. David Stern didn't impose the age limit of 19 (and a year removed from high school) until 2005. If I were Manning, I would have gone straight to the NFL and started cashing dem checks! What a fool! A lark! That's the only explanation why he has chosen to do so many sponsorships, Baron, he's making up for lost time.

Baron
David Stern ran the NBA, not the NFL you fool.  If Stern had run the NFL, the Chiefs would have moved to Wichita and the Seahawks would have moved to Bozeman, Montana. I never liked that little worm.

Peyton was required to stay for at least three seasons in college. If he wasn't, we never would have experienced the great "Ryan Leaf vs Peyton Manning" debate, and a world where I don't get to see Ryan Leaf scream at terrified reporters is a world I don't want to live in.

Speaking of Rocky Road, I think Peyton might have a rocky road ahead of him against the Chiefs defense tonight.

Kinnaman
If my SportsCenter memory is correct, I think Peyton Manning averages 5 TDs a game and is the second coming of Jesus, so I'm going to have to disagree with you there. Plus, thekitchn.com had this to say about what your favorite ice cream flavor says about you: 

"You are adventurous and love being outside. You dream of owning a motorcycle and traveling across the country. You've had some ups and downs in your life, but you like to think positively. When there are campfires, tents, and stars in the world, things can't be so bad."

Manning is going to be doing a wheelie on his new motorcycle while flipping Andy Reid the bird. Also, I expect the Chiefs to cancel tailgating this week. The fires and tents they'll use to BBQ are too close to what Manning seems to treasure most in the world. 

Baron
Surely you have Peyton Manning confused with future hall of famer Tim Tebow. 

Do you think that Andy Reid took the job with Kansas City because it got him that much closer to having BBQ for every meal?  These are the kinds of questions that keep me up at night.

I don't think Manning owns a motorcycle, but hell, Mike Holmgren does. At least Holmgren always seemed a little cool, with his mustache and that volcanic temper.  Peyton Manning seems like the mildly awkward campus tour guide who can't quite articulate why he loves his school so much.

Kinnaman
You can see it in his face, though. The more red it gets, the more overwhelming the passion. Body language is 85% of communication. I'd like to be on this campus tour. Guttural sounds accompanied by body spasms every time he sees orange. Rocky Road must help keep this gyrating condition stable. 

Baron
Speaking of Rocky Road ice cream, you have to figure that Rocky Balboa has the same favorite ice cream as Peyton Manning. While Peyton Manning loves screaming "Good old Rocky Road! Rocky Road Ice cream!" at the top of his lungs after eating four Papa John's pizzas and filming a Nationwide commercial, I feel like Rocky Balboa has it on the menu of that restaurant he owned in Rocky 6. When introducing the dessert menu, Rocky inevitably says, "We have Rocky Road, because, well, my name's Rocky." and the whole table over-laughs, because it’s Rocky and they don't know what else to do. 

Kinnaman
I'd laugh just so that I can have a moment where he'd stop talking. Dude can fight Russians, but just doesn't shut up about it.

If Manning can't penetrate the Chief defense. Then the NFL might see its first love-love match, because I don't think Alex Smith will throw a forward pass successfully past the goal line two weeks in a row. I'm bored just thinking about this game now. Please Peyton, channel your adventurous rocky road spirit and make marshmallows out the chiefs. Nobody wants an NFL where the chiefs are good.

Baron
What? The NFL is great when the Chiefs are good. Sure it rarely happens and even when they are good they can't win a playoff game. Peyton Manning was in high school the last time the Chiefs, led by Joe Montana, won a playoff game against the Oilers who were led by Warren Moon. Since you didn't even know Peyton Manning went to college, I feel like I should add that the Oilers don't even exist anymore. 

Kinnaman
Noted, no more Oilers. It’s a shame. What a missed marketing opportunity with Olive Garden.

And I admit I don’t really care if the Chiefs are bad, but it’ll help my odds with this hot girl on Facebook. She went off about how the NFL has a team whose name is offensive to Native Americans. I'm a modern man and I can't reward Kansas City’s ignorance with my support.

Baron
I can't even talk to you right now.

Kinnaman
Okay, talk to you later, Baron!

That was abrupt end to a great conversation. My only regret is not discussing if Manning prefers traditional Rocky Road with no chocolate chips or the new Rocky Road with chocolate chips. Thanks for nothing, Luis!

We'll be back next week with another interview with another NFL player which will hopefully take up some of your time while you spend another day on planet earth.

Also, if you see Baron broken down on the side of the road, or bored in a doctor's office, please ask him to sign my petition to rename the football team located in Kansas City.

JD KinnamanNFL, UTD, KinnamanComment