AGS Week 1: Aaron Rodgers

Kinnaman
Welcome faithful readers and future leaders to the first of many portions of Any Given Sundae. This is a weekly column, costing several million dollars, where we interview an NFL star about their favorite ice cream flavor and then use that scientifically vital data to predict just how sweet their victory will be on Sunday.

This week we interviewed the one, the only, Aaron Charles Rodgers. The full interview can be read here.

As always, I am joined by my best friend, site partner, practically life partner, football Casanova, and slowly but surely, on his way to Cooperstown, HC Baron. All right Baron, what are your first reactions to seeing that Aaron Rodgers favorite ice cream is Very Berry Strawberry?

Baron
First of all, Cooperstown is the Baseball Hall of Fame, I don't even like baseball... Second, how'd you interview Rodgers already? I've been getting rebuffed by his agent all week...

In regards to the ice cream choice, um,  it's a bold choice for a bold quarterback I guess.

Kinnaman
I couldn't agree more and know exactly where you're going, he should have been a Chicago Bear. Bears are bold. Bears rhyme with berry. Bears rhyme with strawberry. That's two berry good puns in his favorite ice cream. You're an NFL expert, so I'm going to defer the final answer on this, but if Roger Goodell (Badell, amirite?) wants to restore his image with the public, he should use his executive order to move Aaron Rodgers to the Chicago Bears. Make this happen, Goodell! Everyone like me will vote for your re-election in 2016!

(what are you talking about, I had lunch, aka ice cream, with him on Tuesday. I tried to call and text, but my cell died. I spilled ice cream on it and couldn't clean it off before it melted cause Rodgers was too busy making my gut bust with this hilarious knock knock joke)

Baron
So, that's how it is? You aren't even going to tell me the joke?

Although Rodgers definitely has the facial hair to play in Chicago, I'm going to happily disagree with you.  It's a play on words dummy! (note: Baron usually isn't this hostile) 

Aaron Rodgers went to the University of California.  Their mascot is the golden bear! Obviously his ice cream choice is a nod to his Alma mater. It is also possible that his ice cream choice was a reference to the California State amphibian, the red tailed frog, but, I will never know, because I wasn't there to ask him on Tuesday.

Either way, Very Berry Strawberry is packed with real strawberries, and Rodgers and the Packers passing game should pack a real punch this Sunday.

Kinnaman
Once again, I agree with you completely. Strawberries grow on a vine. Vines can be made into a rope. And in baseball, throwing on a rope is a term for amazing throws. Cooperstown ticket stamped and passport accepted. Welcome to America!

I'm embarrassed to admit this, but I forgot Aaron Rodgers went to college. He looks like he was made in a test tube (no pic available). 

Kind of makes me wonder if the reason Rodgers sat on the bench for so many years wasn't the fact that Farve wouldn't retire, but that Rodgers wouldn't change his favorite ice cream flavor to something cheese related. Call me a conspiracy theorist, but don't you think Green Bay would have won every Super Bowl since his rookie season if he had compromised and embraced something like Strawberry Cheesecake?!

Baron
I'm going to ask the question that everyone should be asking right now, do you know the difference between football and baseball?

Kinnaman

Baseball and football are incredibly different, but if you think about it, are they?

Baron
They are. Obviously, Brett Favre had already claimed Strawberry Cheesecake as his favorite ice cream and wouldn't let Rodgers touch it. Baseball and football are incredibly different, but if you think about it, are they? I think the bad vibes from not passing down Strawberry Cheesecake Ice Cream was what led to that interception in overtime of the 2007 NFC Championship game. Maybe Strawberry Cheesecake is passed down through Packers quarterbacks to help them connect with the city? We need to ask Favre if he got it from Don Majkowski, who got it from Glenn Dickey.  Maybe this all started with Bart Starr in the 60s? Favre put an end to a line that began before the first Super Bowl. The ego! No wonder he was damned to play quarterback for the Jets for a year.

Kinnaman

Jet's QBs all have one thing in common, paying their debts like a man. That's why it was so shocking that Geno Smith was sucker punched. Normally, Jets QBs have very high credit scores. And I know... not paying a teammate doesn't affect your FICO score, but let's be real, it might as well. Farve, for the record, made too much money to even worry about a FICO score.

Want to know why my phone died of ice cream related causes? Because Rodgers dropped this gem on me:

Rodgers: Knock Knock
Me: Whos there?
Rodgers: Strawberry
Me: Strawberry who?
Rodgers: Nickel!

I'm glad I was only eating this bag of cheetos or else I'd be paying a visit to Gary at my local Sprint store! I had no idea Rodgers had such comedic talent. That's a play off of the classic anti-joke where someone says "pickle" after setting it up as a strawberry joke. When he said "Nickel!," I almost crapped myself. Cause the nickel defense is exactly how Chicago hopes to stop Rodgers! HA! He said that he'd piss on their graves! Their graves! HAHA!

Baron

Shockingly, you may be onto something.  Neil O'Donnell, Vinny Testaverde, Chad Pennington, Ken O'Brien, all seem like guys with good FICO scores.  Not too sure about Mark Sanchez though, however, he's been the butt of too many jokes at this point.

It doesn't surprise me that Rodgers expects to see a lot of nickel out of the Bears on Sunday.  By selling out to stop the pass, they hope to throw the Packers out of rhythm.  Just like a big chunk of strawberry in Very Berry Strawberry can really throw off your chewing rhythm. Speaking of nickel, do you remember when ice cream used to cost a nickel? I don't either.

Kinnaman
Fortunately, Rodgers is more of a licker than a biter, as you can see in the typed, full interview transcript. He thaws the strawberries in his mouth and sucks the juice out of them. Then he'll spit the them at objects with a completion percentage of 65.6 percent. After nailing a meter maid from 10 yards out, he went on a well spoken rant begging the Indonesian President to renounce their anti-spitting laws so he can finally visit. It was moving, you should have been there.

Since there's no chance of jaw injury, I'm going to stay close to the trunk and say that the Packers beat the Bears 48-24. And then the mayor of Chicago will finally have to say, "Da Cheeseheads!" 

Baron
Seeing the mayor of Chicago humiliate himself by rehashing a joke from 30 years ago when the Bears were last relevant would be unbearable.

According to the Chewing Magazine, you definitely do not want the jaw to play a vital part in your chewing mechanics. That is unnecessary work that will only weaken your jaw for those "Must Chew" moments.

That said, I think Rodgers treats the Bears defense like those strawberries and wins going away 42-21.

Kinnaman
Thank you, Baron, for your thoughtful diagnosis and I think I speak for everyone when I say that I hope you find enough twigs to start a rescue fire if you're ever left for dead in the woods. Like a British Lizardman, I am going to link your weekend NFL picks, where people should use your knowledge to become as rich as a moderately successful band like Hoobastank. We can all only dream of such wealth. Nice chewing commentary, saving your jaw like a team watching a rookie’s pitch count.

I'd like to thank Aaron Rodgers, who implored me to call him Charles, but I just can't do it, Aaron! Haha, just kidding. Go get em' this weekend Charles! Throw the pigskin with minimal jaw effort. I'll be rooting for you!

JD KinnamanNFL, UTD, KinnamanComment